The world is full of judgmental people.  In middle and high school everyone has experienced the cliques either from the inside or outside.  Nothing can make a person feel more unwanted, displaced, unneeded/loved or unwelcome as being in a group where there are cliques that they don’t belong in.  Sadly, those cliques don’t always stop existing after high school, and even more sad to say sometimes they exist in the last place you would expect them to- in church.  What makes them worse is when those cliques in your church seem to be in high profile positions.
After all, don’t we go to church to feel loved, accepted, spiritual, and share in a unity with others who have the same faith based beliefs as we do and who proclaim to have a desire to be like Christ?

So nothing can make one feel more unmotivated in going to church than to attend with a group that consists of cliques that they don’t belong in.  And that is how a lot of churches lose members.  Not because of the gospel teachings, not always because a testimony is lacking, but more often than not it’s a simple matter of the person not feeling like they fit in with the other members.

Let me share some of my experiences- I’m LDS (aka Mormon), so the area that includes the people that I go to church with is called a “ward”.  Over the years I’ve lived in a handful of wards, and when it comes to cliques some are for sure worse than others.

According to the gospel taught by the LDS church we are to treat others with kindness and love, accepting each other and finding ways to help and serve others.  There are countless talks about helping to uplift others, fellow-shipping new members, serving, being a friend, and other similar topics.  So how do clicks happen in a ward that’s taught these principles?

First of all, I don’t always think they are intentional- sometimes people just get comfortable with others they’ve known for awhile and get wrapped up in their own lives that they don’t really think about making new friends.  They’re settled, content, and all their friendship needs are met so they simply just don’t think about making new friends.

Ok it’s personal story time……
A few years ago I was in a ward that was CLEARLY run by a couple of cliques- and I struggled.  For someone who is social, outgoing and extrovert like myself it was bad enough that I struggled wanting to go to church.  After 6 months of being in that ward I still didn’t have a friend or anyone I felt like I could talk to, week after week I would sit alone in relief society and my heart broke.  I felt so rejected and unwelcome. It was a constant battle between my desire to attend church for the spiritual nourishment and the feelings of rejection that came once I did because of the way the ward was.

For months I prayed for a solution, because I knew there was a better way.  I had faith that there was a solution that would rekindle the spiritual flame and feelings of love and acceptance like I had in the ward I grew up in.  Then one day it hit me……. I started thinking about the cliques in my ward….. and really, there were only 2, each with about 5 women in them.  Obviously our ward had more than 10 women in the ward! Probably closer to 100 women- so even though it seemed like the entire ward was made up of cliques it was really only 10% or less.

I also realized, new people move into the ward ALL the time.  They didn’t know what the ward was like until they were there.  The last thing I wanted to happen was for someone else to have the same experience that I did- so I made a point to go out of my way to welcome and befriend every new member to our ward.  I would introduce myself to them on their first day, find out where they lived (our ward was a pretty small area) then during the week I would drop by a little treat to their house with a card and my phone number and offer to help in any way.

I’d call them and check up on them, invite them to lunch or a girls night.  And just be their friend, like I wished someone would have done for me when I moved into the ward.  If no one sat by me in class I would get up and move to go sit next to someone who was sitting alone. Then when a new woman moved into the ward it was a team of us that would befriend her.  And each person that moved in had the welcoming experience of a group that was getting larger and larger!

What’s more important is that we became the anti-clique clique.  We set the example for new members of our ward being a friendly, welcoming place where everyone had a friend.  We welcomed ALL, we were kind to all, we helped all. WE were the new standard.

Interestingly enough, after 6 months of this change there were some DRASTIC changes in my ward.  Firstly, one of the cliques that was the worst- they were actually mean, judgmental, and intimidating to others had a falling out between its members.  And the click split up.  Without their combined power they lost their intimidation and negative influence on others.  Other members started coming out of the woodwork seeing how much fun our new anti-clique had become and started taking action to be friends and serve others like they had seen us do.
In just 6 months the entire dynamic of the ward had changed.  It had changed from a ward I dreaded going to every Sunday to one I couldn’t wait to go to all week.  Most of the women in the ward were friends, spent time together, and there was an overall spirit of sisterhood.

Since this experience I’ve been in similar wards, and after a couple months of rolling my eyes and stomping my emotional foot of having to help “fix” another ward, I roll up my sleeves and get to work applying the same principals as before.  Every time the end results are positive and uplifting.  And it’s my hopes that in some small way these inspired actions from years ago will help change someone’s life for the better.  I’m so grateful for the power of prayer and the inspiration for this solution.

So if you are in a ward, or other church that seems to be full of cliques, before you write off attending and starve your spirit while blaming the cliques in your church stop and look around, chances are there are other women who feel the same way you do!  Find a friend, be a friend, set the example and share the love of Christ that you want a part of your life.  Sometimes it’s not a matter of people not liking you- I’ve found people just get so self involved these days, it takes someone to go out of their way in time and effort to make others stop and realize to have a friend you have to BE a friend and that takes action! 🙂

Maybe some day I’ll be talking in youth firesides or relief society meetings about these principles and experience- I’d love that!